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  • A Happy Winter’s Thought

    A Happy Winter’s Thought

    As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the quaint lobby of a… Christian camp hotel? I’m not exactly sure what it’s called. It’s a venue used for Christian camps, and it’s really cute. I drove an hour and a half here with my husband, through the first real blizzard of winter here in Michigan. My husband is on the worship team for our church’s youth group winter retreat, so I’m the tag along who gets a free writing retreat. The school bus full of younglings is delayed by the storm, and my husband is across the way at the worship venue, and the receptionist left early to try and avoid being locked in by snow. 

    So I’m sitting alone in the lobby, taking full advantage of the Keurig and hot chocolate packets in the corner, and positively blasting “On the Nature of Daylight” on my phone. Darkness has mostly fallen outside, and everything is white, the snow still falling aggressively. I’m waiting for the rest of our church friends on the worship team to get here, and for my husband to get back from Subway with our dinner. There will be a worship session once the kids get here, and then maybe the worship team will hang out in one of our hotel rooms and play some board games. 

    I’m oddly happy and feeling sappy on the inside. 

    I never did anything remotely like youth retreats when I was younger. I always wanted to. It’s one of the things I’ve really grieved as I got older. In my friend circle, I’m surrounded by people who went to school, or church retreats, summer camps, etc., and made so many friends and have fond memories of those times in their lives. 

    I have none of that. 

    I had one friend growing up, and didn’t make many more friendships until I was an adult. I cherish the lifelong BFF that I have, and I don’t think I’d be alive without her, in a sense. 

    But I still grieve that when conversations of summer camps and youth group things come up…I sit back and let everyone else talk, because I missed that whole part of life. I don’t have any memories of staying up too late in our camp t-shirts and shorts, or the sermons taught for my age group that helped me know God better. I never had nights packed into a dorm with my girlfriends like sardines in our sleeping bags, giggling on too much sugar and summer sun. 

    The part of my life that could have been filled with that is instead filled with confusion, fear of God, and the never satisfied longing for more and deeper friendships. 

    As we were getting packed up to come here this afternoon, I noticed that I was starting to feel oddly giddy. There was no reason to be excited about a one hour drive and the cheese I was packing for a road snack. There was nothing exceptional about my raggy old body pillow, or the immune supplements I was remembering to pack (children can be little germ factories, as we all know). I thought about it briefly before giving up getting to the root of my giddyness.  

    And, as God often does, He gave me clarity in a moment when I had stopped thinking about it entirely. The answer to my excitement came in a rush, a rush that was also a still whisper, the certainty of it settling deep in my soul. 

    I’m going to a youth group with my friends. 

    My hands paused where they were, reaching for my packing list to check something off. A smile split my face and I laughed out loud. 

    “I’m going to youth group with my friends!”  

    The Lord did it again. In such an unexpected way, and almost two decades after I first started longing for experiences like this, he’s answering all my longings and unspoken prayers. I may be married, with white hair rapidly taking over my head and a longing for children of my own filling my bones. 

    But tonight, I get to experience a youth group event, and be part of the experience for close to a hundred kids in whatever capacity God has for me. If I’m lucky, I might even get to see some of them choose to follow Christ this weekend. 

    It may be a simple thing, yes, and it’s quite possible I’m over-romanticising it (I have a habit of doing that), but it made me smile and appreciate my Father a little more today, and I wanted to share it with you. 

    He who is mighty has done a great thing. 

    -M

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  • Fear

    Fear

    Through the past few weeks, the Lord has really been putting a spotlight on the areas where I act from a motivation of fear, and gently nudging me toward a more right way of walking in His will through faith. My husband and I are in the market for a replacement vehicle, and yesterday, when faced with a promising used vehicle, I felt the immediate urge to rush into the sale because it might be taken by someone else. I had to remind myself, with the help of the Holy Spirit, that there are more cars out there, and nothing bad would happen if we weren’t able to get that car. The Lord would still provide, still be good, and my life wouldn’t cease to exist, no matter how much I felt like it might.

    As we’re told in 1 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” For context, the author was talking about not being timid in the laying on of hands and spiritual gifts, but I think the use of this scripture is not inappropriate. 

    (For other references see Isaiah 41:10, Joshua 1:9, Psalm 27:1, Matthew 10:29-31, John 14:1, Philippians 4:6-7) 

    Scripture is clear that the only thing we are to “fear”, is being out of alignment with the Lord; we are to fear His righteous wrath against our sin, which (Praise God!) ceases to exist against us when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. 

    “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” The grouping of the attributes that follow fear is not random. When faced with fear and the temptation to act on that fear, it takes power, loving trust in our Father’s provision, and self control, through the Holy Spirit, to resist and redirect to God’s will over our own fleshly urges. 

    So there, you have been armed with scriptures to combat your fear! You’re cured! Onwards in faith, leaving fear in the rearview…we wish, right? 

    Unfortunately, learning to walk in faith and self control instead of fear is a process. There is no switch we can flip to turn off our fear or anxiety responses. There is no “faith injection” to override your fear and cause you to stride forth into life like David toward Goliath. If there was, we wouldn’t learn to draw as near to the Lord during that process, to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7), and our spirits would not have the opportunity to be pruned into the fruit bearers the Father desires. 

    Your journey of learning to walk in faith will likely look different than mine, but in the event we’re spiritual twins, or something I have learned can help you, here are some practical things that have helped me. 

    1. Pray – Ask the Lord weekly, daily, or whenever it comes to mind to help you discern the areas of your life where you act out of fear. Whenever you feel an urge to act out of fear, or anxiety around a decision/action, pray right then and there, asking the Lord to help you in your distress. 
    2. Know the Word – most likely, if you are in a habit of acting out of fear, the Lord may be wanting you to make changes. But how will you know what those changes are or what His guidance is? You have to first know Him, and unless He chooses to reveal himself to you like He did to Paul, the scriptures are the next best resource we have for knowing the heart, tone, and character of our Heavenly Father. By knowing the scriptures, you will begin to be able to discern if a decision or action lines up with God’s will as we see it displayed in the Word. 
    3. Slow Down – Often when motivated by fear, I feel like I need to act now. I need to buy the car now because it won’t be there longer if I don’t. I need to reply to that text now, so they don’t think I’m mad – the list goes on. Beloved, nothing bad will happen to you if you take two minutes to pray and think. (Unless you’re being chased by a bear, in which case, please pray on the run.)  
    4. Trust – This is a very broad term, but one that has been very important to me. There are several areas of our life that are up in the air at the moment, and I don’t see a way forward. The Lord has not seen fit to reveal His plan to us. So, Based on His track record (He hasn’t failed me yet!),  I must trust that He has our good and His glory in store for our futures, regardless of the current trainwreck I see. Based on His track record (He hasn’t failed me yet!). God never forgets to take care of any of His children. Even if the outcome is not what I, in my earthly understanding, think is best, it will the best outcome, because God will be involved. 
    5. Voice Your Fear – This is perhaps one of the most helpful things for me personally. Often, fear motivation is really quite shallow and silly once it is voiced. The other day, when my husband asked me why I was so anxious about a certain decision, just the act of voicing it took all the power away from that spirit of fear. The moment I voiced it I knew it didn’t make sense, and the Holy Spirit guided us forward from there. Bring your fears to the light through prayer, speaking with a spouse/friend, etc. Do not let your fear sit on simmer in your mind, filling you with the vague mist of worry and anxiety more than it already does. 

    Lastly, be encouraged and do not lose heart. No temptation has overcome you that is not common to us all, (1 Cor. 10:13). Fear is not something only you struggle with, or something that every other christian has figured out and you’re just lagging behind. That’s a lie straight from the pits of hell. Every christian ever has struggled with fear and, this side of heaven, it is something we will all struggle with at some point in our lives. 

    “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

    ~ Psalm 73:26

    But God. 

    Hugs, 

    -M

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  • Why Waiting Sucks and Is Sanctifying

    Why Waiting Sucks and Is Sanctifying

    For the year of 2023, I have been in a season of waiting, and I still cringe at those words, even thought I’m the one saying them.

    Growing up, whenever I heard talk of “I’m in such-and-such a season”, I thought it sounded so cliche and could not role my eyes enough. The Lord has really changed my mind about that, but I still have the eye-roll reflex.

    This month specifically, the Lord has been closing almost every door I’ve been trying to walk through, and I’ve been forced to sit and process where I’m at in life. He’s been showing me what it means to wait, and why it’s important. Today, as I sat down to write, I was overwhelmed with conviction that this is the topic I should share. Specifically, acknowledging that waiting is hard, but why it is so good for us as christians, and to encourage anyone who is in that place now.

    Let’s take a look at a few examples of waiting that we have in scripture.

    1. Sara waited 90 years to have a baby (90 years in total, 25 years after she had received the promise from the Lord.
    2. The man at the pool waited 38 years to be healed.
    3. The woman who bled waited 14 years before touching Jesus’ garment
    4. Joseph waited 13 years to see his family again
    5. David waited 15 years to become King after being annointed
    6. Jacob waited 14 years to marry Rachel
    7. The Israelites wandered 40 years before finding the promised land

    There are more examples of waiting in the bible, but these are the ones that stood out to me. In each of these circumstances, The Lord answered the prayers of the ones waiting. Let’s soak that in.

    In each one of those circumstances, the Lord answered the prayers of the ones waiting.

    Sarah had a biological child. The man at the pool was healed. The woman who bled was healed. Joseph was reunited and reconciled with his family. David became King. Jacob married his love, Rachel. The Israelites entered the Promised Land.

    But what did it take? Sarah had to wait through 90 years of infertility, seeing women around her have the children she desperately wanted. The man at the pool and the woman who bled had to wait a combined 52 years through chronic illness before being healed, watching others be healed and move on in life. Joseph had to live in a foreign land, waiting 13 years to see his family again. (And I complained about a few months of lockdown??) Jacob waited through a 14 year engagement, being tricked into marrying another woman and doubling his work expectancy. The Israelites had to wait 40 years, watching their parents die before they could enter the promised land.

    Waiting with hope when the path is clear can be easy, as it was for Jacob. To him, the years past swiftly because he was so in love. He knew he had to put in work, and at the end of it his bride would be waiting. He faced setbacks in the form of his father in-law doing a bait-and-switch, but adapted and stayed the course until the goal had been achieved.

    But what about when the path isn’t clearly laid out before you? What about the woman who bled for years with no answers, and no hope or promise that her pain would ever end? Here I will stray from biblical examples for the sake of possibly resonating with one of you; What about the person who is longing for a child that you aren’t sure is in God’s plan for you? The single woman longing for marriage that is nowhere in sight? The person wanting a new job, but every interview ends in disappointment? The list of things we wait for is endless.

    While it’s easy to beat each and every person waiting over the head with “Wait patiently for the Lord.” (Psalm 37:7), if you’re anything like me you feel deep in your soul that sitting around waiting for the Lord to act just doesn’t cut it. Verses like that one invoke (for me) an image of just praying and waiting for God to make things happen. While this is completely a way the Lord can work, I present to you that He wants movement from us, even in the waiting.

    Here let’s take a look at examples of biblical “waiting”. Some waited on a promise, some waited without.

    David waited for 15 years, but he didn’t spend that time writing his psalms in a journal, and pondering the future he wanted over a cup of coffee at Starbucks. David went to war, literally. He consistently did the next right thing that the Lord put in his path, and did not simply wait around until the promise would be fulfilled. He didn’t go back to his profession of shepherd for long, before allowing himself to be moved in places and ways that prepared him for the calling set on him. During this time he lamented, grieved, rejoiced, and learned to draw closer to the Lord.

    The man at the well waited 38 years to be healed; each and every day putting himself in a place where he knew a healing experience was possible. He had no idea if he could be healed; God hadn’t specifically told him that it would happen. But he moved in hope every day, giving his all for the possibility that he would be. I cannot imagine having the faith and fortitude to keep trying after such a long time–decades! This man potentially spent around half of his life waiting for healing.

    Jacob waited 14 years to marry Rachel. This was double the time that had initially be laid out before him. During that time he worked for her as part of the agreement, but he didn’t just show up and put in the time. His father-in-law’s wealth grew and flourished because of Jacob’s dedicated work. What did he get for his work? He got tricked into marrying the wrong sister, only to have to work another 7 years for the one he really wanted. Imagine the gutting sense of betrayal and defeat!

    Now, to be clear, I’m not suggesting to you that in order to get the thing you are waiting for, that you must put in work. God’s promises are not reliant on human effort, but on His power. HOWEVER. It is much easier for the Lord to steer a car that is moving, than one that is resolutely sitting in the parking lot waiting to arrive at a destination. God calls us to walk by faith, not by sight. This means moving, trusting that He will guide our steps. If we simply sat around waiting, and the Lord made everything happen without anything difficult (like trusting) was required of us, we would be spoiled little spiritual children.

    When we look at the root meaning of “wait patiently” from Psalm 37:7, the image that comes to mind is not a waiting room. The word means to wait expectantly, to dance, whirl, to writhe(as in child birth). Waiting is to be active and with motion!

    I challenge you today, to pray and ask the Lord in what ways you can be actively waiting on Him, whether you are awaiting the fulfilling of a promise, or hoping in faith that your longings will be fulfilled. How can you draw closer to the Lord as you wait?

    “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:17-18

    The Lord is near to you, friend. He see’s and is well acquainted with your grief, longing, and all you hope will come to pass. Draw near to him and He will draw near to you. Your lot in life is not to get the short end of the stick. In the waiting the Lord will grow your faith, teach you, and nothing will keep Him from accomplishing His will in your life.

    He is not slow to remember His promise.

    Hugs,

    -M

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  • Why I Stopped Reading Romance Novels

    Why I Stopped Reading Romance Novels

    **This post contains adult content**

    He’s rugged and mysterious, she’s the girl who doesn’t need anyone to save her. But before she knows it, her knees are weak at the sight of him, he’s slaying beasts to win her favor, and a passionate romance ensues. There’s tension, running into each other in corridors, and late night rendezvous in the garden that get the readers heart pumping. Sound familiar? This kind of plot (if that can be called a plot) is what most women read today.

    The romance novel industry made a whopping 1.44 BILLION dollars in 2022, accounting for over 66% of the literature market. According to stats published by WordsRated, 82% of romance novel readers are women. Ten years ago, the average age of a romance novel reader was between 34-54 years old, but that number has been plummeting. Now, the average age for women reading romance books is between 18-54. Around 70% of women in this category discover these books between the ages of 11-18 years old. Around 39% of romance readers report carrying a book with them, finishing a romance novel within a week, and almost half of the readers report reading at least one romance novel every week, if not more. Looking back at a few decades worth of stats, Romance has been the highest selling genre of literature almost as long as books have been sold. But the category isn’t what it used to be. Romance books used to be books like Jane Austen’s, where morally upstanding men and women had edifying and noble relationships that led to mutually beneficial and tender marriages. The main part of the book was the plot, not a steamy romance.

    Today, the term “Romance Novels” barely conceals the truth; Erotica is what we’re really reading most of the time. Do you know what the current most sold “Romance Novel” is? The thinly veiled porno 50 Shades of Grey. This is followed by my personal favorite book fo all time, Pride and Prejudice, which is then sandwiched by more erotica. (Hold the line, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy!)

    So why do Romance novels have so many women so enthralled? I can personally speak to this. In my teen years and into early adulthood, books were my escape from the uncomfortable reality I lived in. I read anything and everything, as long as it transported me far away. While I never knowingly picked up a Romance Novel, (I preferred YA Fantasy Adventures) many YA books are just as steamy as outright Romance Novels. The only difference is that it’s illegal to publish a YA book with characters having sex if those characters are under 18. But even then, those books got me. Through the heroine, I would experience the rush of being loved and protected by the warrior who found her irresistible. Many nights I would stay up into the wee hours, my eyes flying across the page to find out if they ever got together in the end!!!

    In their book Pulling Back the Shades, Authors Gresh and Slattery sum it up perfectly. “Erotica promises to take you out of your boring world and inject some adventure–even if it’s only in your mind. For a brief time, you can feel alive imagining what it would be like to fall madly in love with a gorgeous man, to be so beautiful that heads always turn your way, to ride on a private jet to an ocean getaway, or have mind-blowing orgasms at will.” and “Erotica strategically and masterfully pulls you in by exploiting what your heart secretly longs for.”

    So where does all this heart racing and fantasizing land us women? Nowhere good. I can say from personal experience, that all this leads to is a mind that verges on pornographic, and extreme dissatisfaction in the real world. When I was 18 (shortly before meeting the man who would become my husband) I had just finished reading a lengthy futuristic fantasy series. All through the books, I think there were about 10, the two main characters had extreme romantic tension. It was one of those forbidden romances, but at least once per book they would crumble and have some passionate meeting that got me hot and bothered right along with them. And it wasn’t just secular books. Christian “Romance Novels”, in my ever so humble opinion, are one of the most sinister evils allowed to exist in Christendom. I have yet to read one that did not lead to the same arousal or model inappropriate thoughts from the main characters. The only thing different about them is the main characters talk about Jesus before making out, and the label “Christian” is slapped on them.

    So, to get to the point of this blog post. Why did I stop reading them? Well, my husband happened. When I started dating Chris, I had all these ideas of what our “romance” would look like. We cared about purity and had firm boundaries to maintain it, but I imagined him struggling to keep his hands off me, and I him. I imagined, fantasized even, about being unable to hold back from stealing kisses and the sweet relief that would be. The day I realized these thoughts were taking place, was the last day I read a book with strong romantic themes. Why?

    Because I was feeling let down by reality. My reality was that I had a man who genuinely cared about protecting both our characters, and cultivating a relationship based on Christ, not romance. And I was letting myself feel disappointed because he was protecting my character??? No, thank you. I decided almost instantaneously that I was not going to sully the beautiful thing that is our relationship by wishing Chris would live up to the standards of fictitious men.

    That’s what all these novels do. Whether consciously or not, when you have experienced the high of romance and erotica through books, you will begin looking for it in your real-life relationships, being let down when the man in your life doesn’t live up to your book-based standards, and that will lead to you never being satisfied with the beautiful romance God has given, or has in store, for you. If you doubt this, go to any social media app, and if you scroll for any length of time, you will find videos of women asking their husbands/Significant others to “do this thing to me that the guy did in my book”. This woman, this wife, is literally asking her life partner to play act at being another man, so she will get turned on and get to live out a fantasy. Effectively, this is cheating, or at least bringing another person (who isn’t even real!!) into your relationship. I’m an advocate for communicating your needs to your SO/Spouse, but this crosses so many lines and ventures into perversion. In my opinion, the most twisted part about romance and erotica novels, is that you are having a perverted experience of someone else’s romance; something that is, and should remain, a sacred and private thing between a man and woman. Reading these types of books, in my opinion, is no different than watching porn.

    The issues don’t stop in our minds either. So many women and girls (Remember, girls discover erotica as early as 11 y/o!!) go on to develop addictions to porn, masturbation, and are in general being sexually educated and discipled by fiction.

    So, now that I’ve given you a lengthy soapbox talk about my convictions on the matter, let me encourage you. Maybe you struggle with this. Maybe you feel dirty about what fiction you consume but don’t know why, and maybe my words have made you feel worse. I see you, sister, I have been you, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this. So many women struggle with this issue, or issues that are a trickle down from this I want you to know that you are not a faulty christian for struggling with any of the things I’ve talked about today, and if you struggle, there is help and there is hope. If you can’t talk to your Mom, Sister, Friend, or someone at your Church, talk to me. I’m here, judgement free, with a listening ear. More than that, Christ does not judge you for your struggles.

    Hebrews 4:14-16 “He was tempted in every way that we are, but he did not sin. Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God’s throne where there is grace. There we can receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it.”

    Jesus dealt with and overcame every struggle we could ever and would ever have. So He knows what you struggle with and still lovingly wants to walk beside you as you move toward repentance.

    1 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

    This is not a vicious cycle that you are unable to escape from. There is hope in the Lord, and a way out through Him.

    I also want you to know that there is nothing wrong with your desires. The Lord made us for relationship, and gave us our sexual desires and urges for a reason. He created us to take enjoyment in intimacy and romance. The issues arise when those urges are indulges outside of marriage, leading to guilt, shame, and feeding the beast that is our lust.

    Take heart, sister, and turn to the One who is able to do above and beyond all that you could ask or imagine.

    Hugs,

    -M

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  • On Condemnation No.2

    On Condemnation No.2

    My past fear reared it’s head a few weeks ago, and it was rough. For years as a child, teen and, if I’m honest, into the present, I struggle with fear in one main area.

    My Salvation.

    I can trace these fears directly back to watching some traumatizing movies, hearing messages I wasn’t meant to hear about being turned away from heaven, and being scared to death of hell before hearing the gospel.

    As a nine year old, I saw two of the “Left Behind” movies in a row on the same day. If you aren’t familiar with these movies, they are based off a book, in which the author writes a drama based off his understanding of what the end times would look like, specifically the rapture. In the movies, Believers are suddenly whisked away, disappearing in the blink of an eye, and the world is left in chaos. Planes crash as the Christian pilots are beamed up to heaven, highways pile up, parents can’t find their children, and the word descends into just a complete mess. At the end of seeing these movies, I was literally shaking in fear. I was sure I’d be laughed at if I told anyone how afraid I was of what I saw, (a childish belief that I know now that isn’t true).  Nevertheless, I walked with measured steps to my room, shut the door, then collapsed on my bed and sobbed. Somewhere in the sobs and groans came a garbled sinner’s prayer and a lot of begging the Lord not to leave me behind. For years after this, even into my twenties, I would randomly remember the movies or hear about the rapture in conversation. My heart rate would (and still does) instantly spike, and at the earliest opportunity I would slip away to pray the sinner’s prayer again, “just to make sure”.

    Pre-seeing the movies, and on through my early teen years, I frequently heard about “The Judgement Day”. The day when all of humanity is judged by the Lord. I remember to this day the verse and one such message that was extrapolated from it almost verbatim.

    “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’  And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ – Matthew 7:21-23

    The message was something like this. “This is what will happen after the rapture. Each one of us will stand before God, but not all of us will get to stay there. When that happens, you better hope you’ve done good enough and had enough faith, otherwise it will be too late and you’ll get sent to hell. It will be too late to change then.”

    Thus began my fear and expectation that God would randomly decide I hadn’t made the cut. That He didn’t really want me to get to heaven and was looking for any excuse to cast me out. That I could potentially live my whole life thinking I was safe, only to be let down and be sent to hell anyway. For a good chunk of my teenage years, though I never admitted it to anyone or wrote it down in my journal, I alternated between wanting to cling to the Lord, and thinking “Screw it, If I can’t be sure being holy will save me, I might as well just have fun not believe in God.” For a while, I did live this way, though it didn’t manifest in any catastrophic way. (Thank the Lord)

    So where does this affect me now? Great question, lets talk about it. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with some sin. I was left feeling guilty, and those old feelings of deadly failure crept in. In an engagement-free evening, I opened up to my husband, gushing out all the ugly-ness that were my thoughts.

    Do I even believe in God? Or do I just not want to go to Hell? If I just don’t want to go to Hell, I must not really love God well enough and probably am not “really” saved.

    I’m just sure there is no reason God would want me. I still hear the voices saying I’m an evil child and not worth anyone’s love. And I’m starting to believe them.

    There was more, and it was messy.

    But y’all. I need to take a moment to brag on my husband, because that man came through. He spoke prayer over me, truth and scripture intermingling into a sweet symphony of comfort. He reminded me that the Enemy knows my past, because he was the one who had a big hand in causing a lot of it. He knows the trauma I experienced, how it scarred me, and so he knows exactly which buttons to push to make me feel like a scared child again. He reminded me of and read to me several scriptures which I want to share with you.

    “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9

    “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,” – Romans 3:23-24

    “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” – Romans 8:1

    “If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” – 1 John 3:20

    “For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”” – Romans 10:13

    He also reminded me to look at my tattoo. On my left forearm I have a white tattoo of the word “Tetelestai”. This is the word that was written in the bible to communicate what Jesus’ last words on the cross were. It is finished. Paid in full. Done. (For more on this, read my last post “On Condemnation”).

    I have nothing left to pay.

    I wish I could say that I really get it this time. I think I do, but I think that every time. Yet, still the doubts eventually come back and I have a meltdown before the Lord comes alongside and puts me back on the solid rock that is His immovable love toward me. But what is different this time, is that I have an understanding that the Lord and I are in this cycle together, and He is patient with me in it. He is patience. He won’t get tired of me being scared and decide to let my fears come true. He won’t get annoyed that I bring my fears to Him again and again. Each time, He is just waiting for me to talk to Him, and delights to remind me of His truth and put my fears to rest.

    And that is also true for you.

    The Lord desires closeness with you. He desires your good. He earnestly desires your joy and fulfillment in Him. You are not broken for doubting your salvation, and He does not judge you for it. Neither does He desire that your fears become truth.

    So friend, If you struggle with fears like mine, or any kind of fear in the faith realm…don’t keep it to yourself. The enemy likes to “divide and conquer”, keeping us all in our bubbles of shame, thinking that because we struggle “X”, we aren’t good enough. This is so untrue. Bring your fears to your spouse, good friend, mentor or pastor; someone who will speak truth into your fears and remind you of the Lord’s immovable promises. Do not let the darkness you are struggling in stay dark, but instead bring it to the light and allow the truth of the Lord to do it’s work.

    Hugs,

    -M

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  • The Legalism Letters No.2 – Alcohol

    The Legalism Letters No.2 – Alcohol

    Yep! We’re going there.

    A lot of Religious/Christian cultures hold the belief that drinking alcoholic beverages is wrong. Some, taking it as far as to say that Jesus turned the water into grape juice at the wedding in Cana, and that the bible says only to drink if you’re ill. (1 Timothy 5:23, Proverbs 31:6-7)

    There are different levels of legalism when it comes to this. Some enforce this strictly, going as far as to not attend an event where alcoholic beverages are served, some others won’t allow any alcohol to be under their roof, and some go as far as chastising family who drink.

    I grew up believing (or being taught), that alcohol was wrong to drink, people who drank only did so to get drunk, and were lying to themselves about any kind of alcohol tasting good. Alcohol served no purpose but to get you drunk.

    Now, let’s take a look at what the bible says. For research, I’ve looked up the word “wine” in the bible, and recorded the ones directly pertaining to drinking of alcohol.

    Proverbs 23: 29-33 – “Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who tarry long over wine; those who go to try mixed wine. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your heart utter perverse things.”

    Isaiah 25:6 – “On this mountain the Lord of Hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well aged wine, of rich food full of marrow, or aged wine well refined.”

    Proverbs 9:4 – “To him who lacks sense she says “Come, eat of my bread and drink of the wine I have mixed.” (the ‘she’ referred to is Wisdom)

    Joel 2:24 – “Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine, and valiant men in mixing strong drink.”

    Proverbs 31:6-7 – “Give strong drink to the one who is perishing, and wine to those in bitter distress; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”

    Proverbs 3:9-10 – “Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.”

    Ephesians 5:18 – “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,”

    Proverbs 21:17 – “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is led astray by it is not wise.”

    Psalm 104:14-15 – “You cause the grass to grow for the livestock and plants for a man to cultivate, that he may bring forth food from the earth and wine to gladden the heart of man, oil to make his face shine and bread to strengthen man’s heart.”

    Luke 7:33 – “For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, ‘He has a demon’. The son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’”

    Romans 14:17, 20 – “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” “Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats.”

    Okay! So a few things jump out at me right away.

    1. Nowhere in any of these verses does it condemn someone who simply drinks wine. It condemns drinking is when it leads to drunkenness, brawling, those who are “heroes” at it, etc.
    2. We all agree that Jesus committed no sin, right? So if that’s true, why would He say in the Luke reference that He came drinking wine? Furthermore, He turned water into wine (I’m just going to ignore the grape juice argument here), which, if it was a sin, would mean Jesus sinned by setting up other people to sin and our whole religion is meaningless.
    3. In the Isaiah 25:6 reference, the Lord Himself will be providing a feast for all people, and it’s mentioned twice that He will be providing good wine for them. Again, if the Lord is holy, and everything He does is good, then it would directly follow that He thinks wine is good.

    I think the main “stumbling block” in the area of Alcoholic drinks is that, to be honest, we tend to be like the Pharisees in our thinking. Meaning, “well, if getting drunk is bad, then let’s remove that possibility entirely so I don’t sin by getting drunk.” There are a few flaws in that argument. Following that line of thinking, does that mean you should never discipline or correct your children, so you don’t commit the sin of abuse? Should you never eat, so you don’t become a glutton? Should you never speak to anyone, so you don’t say something offensive or unkind? Should you never drive your car, just in case you start speeding and break the law?

    In all these things, including drinking, you have a choice. No one “accidentally” gets drunk. You can feel the alcohol affecting you, and that affect increasing long before you reach drunk-level. You don’t raise your voice at a child or slap them in anger without knowing what you’re doing. You don’t eat to the point of stomach ache without knowing what that you’re doing it. The only area I’ve seen this argument make sense, is when someone has a history of alcoholism in their family or past, and are cutting it off entirely to avoid temptation. In this case, that is obviously a wise choice. based on that persons experience.

    To be clear, I am firmly convicted that there is no sin in drinking. The Lord clearly provides many lovely things for us to consume, and alcohol is one of them. I frequently enjoy a glass of wine or cocktail with my husband, hard lemonades around the campfire, or a drink with a friend while having deep conversation.

    That being said, I do believe that it displeases the Lord to get drunk. We see this written all over the verses above and the Bible at large, and I have further reasoning; you don’t know what kind of drunk you’ll be. In the movies and our culture, being drunk is portrayed as being a lot of comedy and slapstick humor, making great memories. Just think of the character “Otis” from The Andy Griffith Show. But I don’t know that I’ll be a funny drunk. I don’t know that I won’t turn into an angry, abusive drunk. I don’t know that I won’t be affected to the point where I could commit a crime and not remember it, or have a crime committed against me and be unable to defend myself.

    So, in closing, I believe this topic falls under the same sort of umbrella as modesty does; It is about how you use the thing you are given. For good, or for evil? Will you use alcohol to drown sorrows and avoid stressors, leading to drunkenness and an unhealthy relationship with a substance, or in a way that glorifies the Lord and honors the vessel He gave you?

    “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the Glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:30

    -M

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  • The Legalism Letters No.1 – Modesty

    The Legalism Letters No.1 – Modesty

    I have no idea where God wants to take this blog post. I didn’t even have an idea what to write about when I sat down just moments ago, but when I did, the title of this blog rolled off the tips of my fingers, so I guess the Lord wants me to share. I realize, the more I try to figure out what to write about, the less comes to mind. Whereas, the more I just sit down with obedient hands, he brings content to mind. 

    Growing up, my thoughts about modesty were very perverted. I learned that it was my responsibility to not tempt a man, and that if he did see a few extra inches of shoulder that caused him to stumble, it was my fault and God would be angry at me instead of the man who sinned by having impure thoughts. I learned to follow rules. Certain lengths and cuts of skirt were acceptable, while others weren’t. Others were too worldly, or too attractive. If I wanted to wear something that was deemed “too fashionable”, then I needed to work on my attitude and motives for dressing. Even as a child (pre-teen) I understood that I was supposed to be dressing for the men in my life, not my own preferences or tastes.

    I learned to judge other people who wore “too worldly” clothes. Girls who wore shorts a few inches shorter than I did or that allowed any cleavage to show were “asking for it” or “leaving it all out there for anyone to see”.

    All these self-righteous thoughts followed me well into my teen years, even while my own true desires were winning out and my wardrobe no longer reflected the rules that I measured other people up against. The Neural pathways that had been trained to see, assess and judge were still strong. But God, who faithfully sends conviction and sanctification through His Holy Spirit, began to work in my heart.

    When I turned 18 I joined a bible study, and one of the first things we studies was the book of Romans in the New Testament. To this day, Romans is still very near and dear to my heart, as I view it as the place that my real faith began to grow. I began to see God’s word in truth for the first time. Not taught topically, or cherry picked to prove a point, but simply presented with the word, and talking about what it said with no motive or agenda. It began with Romans, where I quickly began to realize that the belief system I had been operating in was not based of scripture in it’s entirety, and completely ignored whole sections of scripture, in fact. Specifically, in the area of modesty, I found several passages that began to challenge my thinking.

    1 Peter 3:3-4 – “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

    1 Timothy 2:9-10 – “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” (Note: in the original greek, the word used for modesty here means “with awe or reverence”)

    1 Corinthians 10:31 – “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the Glory of God.”

    I searched and scoured the Bible for the rules I had learned were right. Sleeve length. The proper fit for a modest skirt. The acceptable height for a high heel. And wouldn’t you know it…there are none! Nowhere in God’s word does He give rules for how anyone should dress, other than with modesty /awe and reverence, and that their primary adorning should come primarily from within, as they overflow with a gentle and quiet spirit.

    My thoughts around modesty began to form in earnest shortly after I got married in 2020. On our honeymoon, my husband and I stayed near a river in the Appalachians, and wanted to go swimming on the hot summer day. As was my usual, I donned my one-piece and put a pair of baggy shorts on over it, then a lengthy cover-up over that. I emerged looking nearly like an amish person. (no shade at amish people). When my husband asked why I was wearing shorts, I replied “Well, just because that’s what I do.”. I realized in that moment, that I didn’t really have any problem wearing my one piece by itself. It had wide straps, a neckline that didn’t show more than I was willing to show, and wrapped very securely around my rear end.

    Little did I know this would start a conversation between us. My husband asked me if I thought anything was immodest about my swimsuit, to which I said no. Then again he asked, “So why wear the shorts?”

    I was left with the truth I didn’t want to admit to myself. Because I was “supposed to”. When it became clear that I didn’t have any real reasons of my own, my sweet groom gave me his opinion and encouraged me to look at what I really thought and dress accordingly. We talked a bit more, and sufficed to say, the shorts weren’t worn again on that trip, or much since.

    But this raised a question in my mind. If I was modest with the shorts, and believed I was modest with the shorts removed…what was modesty? Could two things that were objectively different both be modest? Did I believe a full length Mennonite dress and bonnet were modest? Yes. Was the Jewish lady at the store in a calf-length skirt and hoodie modest? Yes. Was I modest in my sweatpants and t-shirt? Also yes. Were shorts and a tank top modest? Yep!

    So what was modesty??

    This, beloved, is when I re-discovered Romans 14. While I had first discovered this back before I was married, and it was illuminating to me then as it pertained to the dietary law (more on that in another blog post), I rediscovered it as a basic template for living according to conviction vs legalism. Here is a brief snippet of Romans Chapter 14.

    “I am convinced and fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. 15If your brother is distressed by what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother, for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good, then, to be spoken of as evil. 17For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.”

    I began to see and be convicted that while, yes, there is objective truth, there is also much freedom and room for personal conviction in the area of modesty. Some people will come for me on this, but I firmly believe that modest is also cultural. For instance, in biblical times, modesty was full length baggy robes, hair covered in a way similar to a hijab, and not much jewelry. If you wore jewelry or braided hair much at all, you began to look like a prostitute. Having your hair uncovered was (and still is in some cultures) considered a statement that “you’re available and looking for some man-flesh!”

    So what was considered “modest” in the bible doesn’t even fit with how most christians view modesty. Showing your ankles, by biblical standards, would be highly immodest today! So you have to agree that, if you’re holding your outfit choices up to the bible, you likely aren’t following the biblical times’ modesty standards either.

    Now, this is specifically for the girls. I have gained a new respect for modesty and purity since being married. Specifically, for the areas of my body that I am able to joyfully say only my husband has seen and experienced. There is something very sweet and precious about being able to say “Only you get this part of me, no other.” And that is something that I dearly treasure about our marriage.

    Modesty is a somewhat complex issue because, yes, you are not responsible for anyone else’s sin, but you are responsible for conducting yourself in a way that glorifies God, and honors the vessel He gave you to inhabit.

    Modesty will likely look different for you than it does for me. In fact, I hope that it does! God didn’t create us to be identical robots, so I believe all of us should look different. So pray, ask the Lord for guidance, and trust Him to bring conviction to you. But above all, don’t make rules. Don’t put God’s work in you inside a box, or act in a stricter way than He moves you to “just to be safe.” To do that would be to liken yourself to the Pharisees, who put more value on “getting it right” than actually following God and asking for His guidance with every step and decision.

    He who is mighty has done a great thing!

    -M

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  • On Condemnation

    On Condemnation

    Most of my  life, I have struggled with the constant and unbearable feelings of condemnation and guilt. From the earliest memories I have, I remember feeling constantly wretched, less-than, completely sin filled, and like I was a culmination of all the worst parts of humanity it was possible to have. 

    Every sin or misstep left me feeling like I had just yet again disappointed God. Each sin was forgiven, but each time I repented was wearing down the Lord a little more, and before too long, He would decide to stop forgiving me and leave me in the muck. Because according to my behavior, that’s clearly where I wanted to be, right? 

    I pictured Christ at the end of a hallway, arms crossed, tapping his foot, and waiting to see if I’d ever get my act together and get to the end where he was waiting for me to catch up. I stumbled, walked away from Him, bumping back and forth between habits and false beliefs, just trying to fumble in a direction that didn’t cause pain. All the while, having a constant sense that I was running out of time. Running out of time to figure it out and get it right. Running out of time to be saved. To be forgiven. 

    At a young age, I saw one of the “Left Behind” movies. In these movies, the rapture is depicted, as some christians believe it will happen. All the believers disappear from the earth in the blink of an eye, and only non-believers are left behind. Families are ripped apart as parents disappear, cities collapse and highways block as drivers disappear from their moving cars and planes crash from the sky. I ran into my room at the end of the movie, pleading with God that I would be good enough to not be left. Pleading with Him not to leave me behind. 

    At age 15, I made a choice for Christ and was baptized. To be honest, I didn’t really understand the gospel, or what I was doing at that point, but It seemed like the thing I was supposed to do, so I did it. There was a brief period of bliss where I felt alive and encouraged, but then the old fears crept back in, and haunted me into adulthood. I heard frequent “sermons” growing up, talking about the day of judgement when God would say to some people who presented as believers “depart from me, I never knew you”, and how you’d better hope you weren’t part of that group. I had a sense, a horrible, debilitating fear, that I would move through life thinking I was safe, only to be cast into hell at the very end. Like I wouldn’t know for sure if I was saved until that day came, and it would be up to God where I went. 

    At the age of 21 I got married to the most Godly, kind, and encouraging man I have ever met, and we officially became part of an actual church. For the first time in my life, I began to hear the hope of the gospel, and began to hear how much Christ loves me. I began to see that I could have assurance of my salvation, and that it wasn’t something that might get pulled out from under me later. It wasn’t something that relied on me living a perfect life, or looking like everyone else. The truth and the gospel wasn’t something that God had hidden away only for those who wanted to put in the work to dig it out. I began to realize how much He wants all to come to knowledge of Him, and isn’t hiding away as a scavenger hunt, or only for the secret club of the most committed believers. 

    “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9

    “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” – Matthew 28:19

    “So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,  for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” – Galatians 3:26-29

    “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice,” – Isaiah 42:3

    These are some verses that began to touch my heart, and stir up the thoughts that, maybe Christ wasn’t eternally fed up with me. Maybe I wasn’t so irreparably broken as to be the one person who was beyond forgiveness. But the doubts were still stronger than the faith, and even though my mind began to know the truth, my heart and emotions still could not believe it. I could not believe or move past the habits of a lifetime, the pathways worn in my mind that told me sin equaled condemnation and a spiritual reset. Whenever sin happened it must undo all the good done until that point and put me back at square one with the Lord. Rest my debt to the maxed out, bolded red, shamefully un-payoff-able ammount it was before.  

    I attended church, did bible study, and talked with my christian friends. I found encouragement and “sharpening” in the fellowship, but all the while moved through with a sense of fakeness. Like I was doing all the right things, but my recurring sins proved I wasn’t good enough, I would never be good enough, and all the goodness in the world couldn’t cover my sin. I was a faker, and headed toward hell just as much as the next person. 

    So, on Resurrection Sunday in 2021 when I walked into church for the morning sermon, I didn’t expect it to be any different. I would sing, feel moved and emotionally connecting to all my brothers and sisters in the service, convicted by the sermon, but still the same broken person. 

    But God met me in church that day, through the words spoken by our pastor. He met me with one word, a simple one really, but one that has changed my life. One that cut me to my very core, and reached the most broken part of me that needed healing. 

     “When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” -Matthew 19:30

    I have heard that scripture a million times. Heard how Christ died for my sins. But then our pastor began to preach on a single word. 

    Tetelestai. This is the original greek word used to communicate the words “It is finished”. As he began to enumerate the meanings of this word, tears began to fill my eyes, as each utterance felt like waves of love from the Lord washing over me. 

    1)To bring to an end, Complete, or Fulfill. 2)Carried. 3)Finished 4)Paid in full. 5)Concluded. (Source: Biblehub.com, interlinear tool, word no. 5055)

    Our pastor is faithful to include the simplicity of the gospel in each sermon, and the words he started to say next I had probably heard close to a hundred times at that point. But as he spoke the poetically written phrase, each line rang new life into deep parts of my soul. 

    “Christ lived the life you couldn’t live, and died your death on the cross. He paid in full for all your sins, wiping out the debt you should owe to God. Beloved, there is nothing left for you to pay!” – Pastor Bob Johnson, Cornerstone Baptist Church. 

    But the story doesn’t end there. I didn’t go home later that day with a spring in my step, never questioning the love my Father has for me again. I did feel lighter, and like a piece I hadn’t known was missing had fallen into place in my heart. But once the emotional high had worn off, I was left with the same doubts trying to creep their way back in. 

    So I began a search. A search for my Lord’s heart for me in His word. 

    “For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the redemption of Jesus Christ, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he has passed over former sins.” 

    Romans 3:22b-25

    The underlined portion of this passage really gets me. It doesn’t say “all sinned, but God found a way to forgive them yet again, but a little more begrudgingly this time. No, all have sinned, and all who believe in Christ as their savior are now justified and not condemned for our sin. 

    “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

    Psalm 139:13-16

    God knew all my days, all my highs and lows, all my sins and triumphs, before a single one of them ever happened. And He still chose to forgive me for them. So, what kind of God would be to, knowing all I would do, forgive me for it, but yet still judge me for doing what He knew I would do all along? This piece, which I only really found this past year, has been the one that has made this truth sink in a bit deeper. 

    I am finally realizing (yes, it’s still an ongoing process), that God is not like the earthly examples of forgiveness I’ve seen. Even though my sin offends His holiness, now that I have believed in Christ, and seek everyday to follow Him better, when I repent and ask for His help, He nods, sets me back on my feet and invites me to keep following Him. His grace is a trampoline that bounces me right back to where I was before I fell, and doesn’t judge me for failure. 

    Let me leave you with these few passages to ponder. 

    “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of Life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

    Romans 8:1-2

    “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

    1 Peter 5:10

    “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” 

    Romans 8:26-28 

    “Even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. IN love He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will,”

    Ephesians 1:4-5

    “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” 

    Psalm 37:23-24

    “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right had of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

    Romans 8:8:33-35a, 37-39

    As always, I love to hear your thoughts and feedback, 

    -M

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  • On Dwelling

    On Dwelling

    Close to the end of 2021, I had a lot of thoughts swirling around in this brain of mine.

    Thoughts about taking action vs dwelling. Thoughts about wanting to fix everything around me vs. stepping back and putting my need to take action into praying. I was constantly struggling with the desire to bring issues up and “fix” them with CJ, and the quieter, but consistent, thought that it’s not my job to fix anyone. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, bring my requests before God.

    Flash forward to 2022 and those thoughts have finally seemed to take shape and find rest. I started the year off in my journal, talking out with God what it looks like for me as a wife to support my husband in righteousness without becoming a nag or trying to lead him.

    I began my search in 1 Peter 3:1-5. “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respect and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.“

    In the contemplative stillness after I read that passage, the gentle thought pricked at my conscience:

    “But what are you doing to be the best you can be?”

    The part that stuck with me was “...they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” It brings to mind what I – and I’m sure we all – have been told growing up “Don’t talk the talk, but walk the walk.” Never anywhere in the bible does it say “Yo wives, nag your husband 24/7 about the things he does that annoy you so he can change and be more holy.” But what it does say for both husbands and wives is to submit to each other in love.

    Submit – 1. To let down, to cause to sink or lower. 2. To yield, resign or surrender to the power, will or authority of another; with reciprocal pronoun. 3. To refer; to leave or commit to the discretion of judgement of another.

    Personally, I find all three of those definitions fascinating. I think the first one obviously refers to a physical act of letting an object down, but it also incites to me images of stepping back so as to allow someone else to shine brighter, and possibly even to lay down/let down our own expectations. I really like how in definition 3, there is a heavy note of trust weaved throughout; “to leave or commit to the discretion of judgement of another.” You can’t commit to anything without trust! So in a way, you could almost sub out “commit” with “trust” in that definition.

    Next, I landed in the place all women land when researching wifehood: Proverbs 31! I read through the whole chapter, and wrote down all the attributes of an “Excellent Wife” as laid out in the chapter, taking some abbreviation license.

    • The heart of her husband trusts her
    • She does him good and not harm
    • She works with willing hands
    • She rises early and provides for her household
    • She is ambitious (this woman literally buys fields and plants crops and is hustling!)
    • She is physically strong
    • She is charitable
    • Her husband is known among the elders because of her faithfulness
    • She laughs without fear at the future
    • She speaks wisdom and kindness
    • She is not idle
    • She fears the Lord.

    I don’t know about you, but when I compare myself to that list I can definitely see areas in which I fall short. Specifically being idle and being physically strong and laughing without fear at the future. I am definitely guilty of allowing myself to be idle, and allowing anxiety or anxious thoughts about the future to steal my joy. As i began to compare myself to the metric of this amazing biblical woman, my heart was tempted to be discouraged. But God, who is so faithful, guided my to a truckload of scriptures that uplifted and gave my thoughts direction.

    “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13 – This is not an impossible task!

    “The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good concience and a sincere faith.” – Timothy 1:5 The goal isn’t perfect “wifely acts”, but loving care and action.

    “You, God, are my God. Earnestly I seek You; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands.” -Psalm 63:1-4 – None of this can be done apart from God, and the life be brings through His word and Holy Spirit.

    “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving on another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32 Forgive and be kind…we are none of us perfect, yet God forgives all of us equally, so who am I to hold any grudge?

    “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” – Colosians 3:15 – What he said.

    God is so faithful to provide conviction in the areas we need to change, and provide a way for us to do it!

    Since the hours spent in study of this subject and prayerfully pursuing God’s will for how best to be a support and a uplifter of my husband, He has given me such peace in the conclusion that my job is to constantly and earnestly lift Chris up in prayer and in love. That’s it, so simple! Oh how we can complicate things!

    I have never not been madly in love with my man, but since making the intentional efforts to view him through a lense of thankfullness and love, I cannot even describe the beautiful shift in how I see him. God has been at work in the transformation of my mind… and gave me a beautiful analogy about this. Often, I’ve heard christians describe this life as a battle, and just something we have to struggle through until Christ calls us home. As I pondered what my reaction toward sin/mistakes/annoyances within our marriage should look like, this image came to mind.

    We are all soldiers, walking home from a battle already won by our great Father. Behind us, the enemy’s puny last regimen follows, shooting their flaming darts at our backs, trying to keep even one of us from reaching home. I walk with those in my group, all of us supporting each other as we bear our burdens. Occasionally, one of us let down our guard, a dart finds home and myself or a brother or sister stumbles. Do I point out that the dart found them? Do they leave me in the dirt? No! We, through the power of the Holy Spirit are to pick one another up, dust off the dirt, and push forward, knowing the enemy’s strategy and watching for the attack to return so as not to fall again. Knowing our great Father has already paid for these wounds on the cross and will not hold them against us if we faithfully continue to walk toward home, and use the armor He has given us.

    So this brings me to my conclusion: Love aught to cover every hurt, every sin, every annoyance or mistake. We, as wives, are to prayerfully and in our actions support the men in our lives, and support them through the times when they stumble just as they do for us. We are to dwell in the peace of a quiet and gentle spirit, and faith that He is leading us both toward Home.

    -M

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  • 2021 Reviewed

    When I think back on 2021, I’m filled with satisfaction. The person I am and life in general are almost unrecognizable a year later….but at the same time not much has changed. I know that makes loads of sense. 2021 stretched me in so many ways, most of which were uncomfortable and frustrating at the time, but I can now see were preparing me for harder things to come.

    At the beginning of the year I hadn’t ridden in so long and was longing to, and then Olaf came into my life on Valentines day. I recognized the potential right away and jumped on the opportunity to lease him. The road since then come with highs and some very low lows, but I have learned much and grown as a rider.

    Much through the late winter and spring I was struggling away at a “Couch to 5k” running program. I missed lots of days, frequently had to reset and start over, and never made it past week three. My gym attendance was sporadic at best. Somewhere in there, a dear friend started encouraging me and we became accountability partners along the way. It was him roping me into a marathon relay that lit a fire under my feet and got me consistently training every week. Some weeks later, I signed up for a half marathon on a whim, just to see if I could do it. At the beginning of August I was running 2-3 miles easily, and near the beginning of October I ran my personal record of 7.01 miles on hilly terrain. The daily training and discipline of being “up and done before the sun” was a haven for me over the summer especially, as it was the most stressful year yet at work. Being able to have set aside even an hour in the mornings to just get my blood pumping and accomplish something as simple as a mile before work made me feel so accomplished, and like the rest of the day was nothing in comparison.

    In the beginning of September, I attending my first Masterson Method Bodywork clinic, and the experience was eye opening. Until that point I had been fairly sure that I wanted to pursue certification as an MMCP (Masterson Method Certified Practitioner). The first day I was there, after seeing just the morning session, I started looking at what the next step was and signed up for the next clinic before the end of the day. Bodywork perfectly ties together my love of horses, with my sensitivities to energy and touch, and has become a haven for me.

    The day after the Marathon Relay in October, I went to the gym. I had been feeling for a few weeks that I was growing too prideful about all I had accomplished with running in the past few months. I was all caught up in the grind, and hustle culture (I don’t think the mindset is necessarily bad, but it also needs the proper dose of humility). As I drove to the gym, I prayed and laid my thoughts bare before God, asking Him to help me see how I could best honor Him with this endeavor. Ten minutes later I was on the ground in a heap with torn ligaments and muscles in my left ankle, and on the bench for the rest of the year. Never pray for patience and humility…unless you really want to be forced to be patient and humble! This injury had me on the bench for two weeks straight before I was even able to walk semi-normally. Whereas I had been the one rising before dawn, getting out there with some serious mileage and waking up my husband when I got home, now I needed help to walk to the bathroom and couldn’t even wear my running shoes because the swelling was so bad. All the things I had been focusing on were taken away. No riding, working, running, or going out except for chiropractic appointments. I was forced into a season of rest, which I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy at first.

    But the fruit that came out of it still amazes me. God enabled me to have so much quiet time, to read my bible more and walk through the 7 Steps to Freedom by Neil T. Anderson. I had ample time to have a friend over, get coffee with my mom, and study. During this time I realized how many other areas of my life had been starving as I poured everything I had into running, training, work, etc. I realized how much healthier I felt when I wasn’t able to run or even move, and how important it was to keep that even as I was eventually able to move normally again.

    November came with disappointments and discouragement. Just going for walks and working a two hour shift at work left my foot swollen and aching. After having not been in training for more than four weeks, I officially had to give up the half marathon I’d been looking forward to all year. The day of the race passed with a haze of sadness in the background; to have come so close and then have it taken away was disappointing. But every time I felt sadness creeping in, I remembered all the sweet things that came out of that period of rest. Would I trade those eternal realizations for being able to run that race? Not a chance. God gave this awesome body of mine the ability to heal, and the ability to run, which means I can run another race.

    December came with waves of anticipation and nervousness. My Advanced 5 day Masterson Method clinic had arrived. A Sunday morning in early December found Chris and I packed into an airplane bound for Houston TX. At home, a pile of Christmas cards (fliers) were waiting to be spread around once I got home, and an LLC was prepared and waiting for business. The week I spent in Texas will forever be a precious memory to me. I was surrounded by amazing instructors, the best horses to learn with, and the most supportive husband to come back to at the end of the day. I had serious doubts about my abilities as a bodyworker all that week, as I saw the mastery of our lead instructor Becky compared to my own issues. I prayed and hoped and practiced and prayed more, but the feeling of impending failure would not leave me. All my anxieties turned to jitters of excitement and tears of joy at the end of the week, however, when I was passed with flying colors and more commendations that I ever could have expected or hoped for. The flight home was one of Peace and excitement, having now the confidence of someone who knew what they were doing giving me their approval.

    Since that clinic, I have established The Pampered Pony LLC, and business has been steadily increasing above my expectations.

    I am so thankful for all this year was, and for all the closed doors that I can now see were closed so I would keep knocking and finding the right ones.

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