**This post contains adult content**

He’s rugged and mysterious, she’s the girl who doesn’t need anyone to save her. But before she knows it, her knees are weak at the sight of him, he’s slaying beasts to win her favor, and a passionate romance ensues. There’s tension, running into each other in corridors, and late night rendezvous in the garden that get the readers heart pumping. Sound familiar? This kind of plot (if that can be called a plot) is what most women read today.

The romance novel industry made a whopping 1.44 BILLION dollars in 2022, accounting for over 66% of the literature market. According to stats published by WordsRated, 82% of romance novel readers are women. Ten years ago, the average age of a romance novel reader was between 34-54 years old, but that number has been plummeting. Now, the average age for women reading romance books is between 18-54. Around 70% of women in this category discover these books between the ages of 11-18 years old. Around 39% of romance readers report carrying a book with them, finishing a romance novel within a week, and almost half of the readers report reading at least one romance novel every week, if not more. Looking back at a few decades worth of stats, Romance has been the highest selling genre of literature almost as long as books have been sold. But the category isn’t what it used to be. Romance books used to be books like Jane Austen’s, where morally upstanding men and women had edifying and noble relationships that led to mutually beneficial and tender marriages. The main part of the book was the plot, not a steamy romance.

Today, the term “Romance Novels” barely conceals the truth; Erotica is what we’re really reading most of the time. Do you know what the current most sold “Romance Novel” is? The thinly veiled porno 50 Shades of Grey. This is followed by my personal favorite book fo all time, Pride and Prejudice, which is then sandwiched by more erotica. (Hold the line, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy!)

So why do Romance novels have so many women so enthralled? I can personally speak to this. In my teen years and into early adulthood, books were my escape from the uncomfortable reality I lived in. I read anything and everything, as long as it transported me far away. While I never knowingly picked up a Romance Novel, (I preferred YA Fantasy Adventures) many YA books are just as steamy as outright Romance Novels. The only difference is that it’s illegal to publish a YA book with characters having sex if those characters are under 18. But even then, those books got me. Through the heroine, I would experience the rush of being loved and protected by the warrior who found her irresistible. Many nights I would stay up into the wee hours, my eyes flying across the page to find out if they ever got together in the end!!!

In their book Pulling Back the Shades, Authors Gresh and Slattery sum it up perfectly. “Erotica promises to take you out of your boring world and inject some adventure–even if it’s only in your mind. For a brief time, you can feel alive imagining what it would be like to fall madly in love with a gorgeous man, to be so beautiful that heads always turn your way, to ride on a private jet to an ocean getaway, or have mind-blowing orgasms at will.” and “Erotica strategically and masterfully pulls you in by exploiting what your heart secretly longs for.”

So where does all this heart racing and fantasizing land us women? Nowhere good. I can say from personal experience, that all this leads to is a mind that verges on pornographic, and extreme dissatisfaction in the real world. When I was 18 (shortly before meeting the man who would become my husband) I had just finished reading a lengthy futuristic fantasy series. All through the books, I think there were about 10, the two main characters had extreme romantic tension. It was one of those forbidden romances, but at least once per book they would crumble and have some passionate meeting that got me hot and bothered right along with them. And it wasn’t just secular books. Christian “Romance Novels”, in my ever so humble opinion, are one of the most sinister evils allowed to exist in Christendom. I have yet to read one that did not lead to the same arousal or model inappropriate thoughts from the main characters. The only thing different about them is the main characters talk about Jesus before making out, and the label “Christian” is slapped on them.

So, to get to the point of this blog post. Why did I stop reading them? Well, my husband happened. When I started dating Chris, I had all these ideas of what our “romance” would look like. We cared about purity and had firm boundaries to maintain it, but I imagined him struggling to keep his hands off me, and I him. I imagined, fantasized even, about being unable to hold back from stealing kisses and the sweet relief that would be. The day I realized these thoughts were taking place, was the last day I read a book with strong romantic themes. Why?

Because I was feeling let down by reality. My reality was that I had a man who genuinely cared about protecting both our characters, and cultivating a relationship based on Christ, not romance. And I was letting myself feel disappointed because he was protecting my character??? No, thank you. I decided almost instantaneously that I was not going to sully the beautiful thing that is our relationship by wishing Chris would live up to the standards of fictitious men.

That’s what all these novels do. Whether consciously or not, when you have experienced the high of romance and erotica through books, you will begin looking for it in your real-life relationships, being let down when the man in your life doesn’t live up to your book-based standards, and that will lead to you never being satisfied with the beautiful romance God has given, or has in store, for you. If you doubt this, go to any social media app, and if you scroll for any length of time, you will find videos of women asking their husbands/Significant others to “do this thing to me that the guy did in my book”. This woman, this wife, is literally asking her life partner to play act at being another man, so she will get turned on and get to live out a fantasy. Effectively, this is cheating, or at least bringing another person (who isn’t even real!!) into your relationship. I’m an advocate for communicating your needs to your SO/Spouse, but this crosses so many lines and ventures into perversion. In my opinion, the most twisted part about romance and erotica novels, is that you are having a perverted experience of someone else’s romance; something that is, and should remain, a sacred and private thing between a man and woman. Reading these types of books, in my opinion, is no different than watching porn.

The issues don’t stop in our minds either. So many women and girls (Remember, girls discover erotica as early as 11 y/o!!) go on to develop addictions to porn, masturbation, and are in general being sexually educated and discipled by fiction.

So, now that I’ve given you a lengthy soapbox talk about my convictions on the matter, let me encourage you. Maybe you struggle with this. Maybe you feel dirty about what fiction you consume but don’t know why, and maybe my words have made you feel worse. I see you, sister, I have been you, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this. So many women struggle with this issue, or issues that are a trickle down from this I want you to know that you are not a faulty christian for struggling with any of the things I’ve talked about today, and if you struggle, there is help and there is hope. If you can’t talk to your Mom, Sister, Friend, or someone at your Church, talk to me. I’m here, judgement free, with a listening ear. More than that, Christ does not judge you for your struggles.

Hebrews 4:14-16 “He was tempted in every way that we are, but he did not sin. Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God’s throne where there is grace. There we can receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it.”

Jesus dealt with and overcame every struggle we could ever and would ever have. So He knows what you struggle with and still lovingly wants to walk beside you as you move toward repentance.

1 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

This is not a vicious cycle that you are unable to escape from. There is hope in the Lord, and a way out through Him.

I also want you to know that there is nothing wrong with your desires. The Lord made us for relationship, and gave us our sexual desires and urges for a reason. He created us to take enjoyment in intimacy and romance. The issues arise when those urges are indulges outside of marriage, leading to guilt, shame, and feeding the beast that is our lust.

Take heart, sister, and turn to the One who is able to do above and beyond all that you could ask or imagine.

Hugs,

-M