I have no idea where God wants to take this blog post. I didn’t even have an idea what to write about when I sat down just moments ago, but when I did, the title of this blog rolled off the tips of my fingers, so I guess the Lord wants me to share. I realize, the more I try to figure out what to write about, the less comes to mind. Whereas, the more I just sit down with obedient hands, he brings content to mind. 

Growing up, my thoughts about modesty were very perverted. I learned that it was my responsibility to not tempt a man, and that if he did see a few extra inches of shoulder that caused him to stumble, it was my fault and God would be angry at me instead of the man who sinned by having impure thoughts. I learned to follow rules. Certain lengths and cuts of skirt were acceptable, while others weren’t. Others were too worldly, or too attractive. If I wanted to wear something that was deemed “too fashionable”, then I needed to work on my attitude and motives for dressing. Even as a child (pre-teen) I understood that I was supposed to be dressing for the men in my life, not my own preferences or tastes.

I learned to judge other people who wore “too worldly” clothes. Girls who wore shorts a few inches shorter than I did or that allowed any cleavage to show were “asking for it” or “leaving it all out there for anyone to see”.

All these self-righteous thoughts followed me well into my teen years, even while my own true desires were winning out and my wardrobe no longer reflected the rules that I measured other people up against. The Neural pathways that had been trained to see, assess and judge were still strong. But God, who faithfully sends conviction and sanctification through His Holy Spirit, began to work in my heart.

When I turned 18 I joined a bible study, and one of the first things we studies was the book of Romans in the New Testament. To this day, Romans is still very near and dear to my heart, as I view it as the place that my real faith began to grow. I began to see God’s word in truth for the first time. Not taught topically, or cherry picked to prove a point, but simply presented with the word, and talking about what it said with no motive or agenda. It began with Romans, where I quickly began to realize that the belief system I had been operating in was not based of scripture in it’s entirety, and completely ignored whole sections of scripture, in fact. Specifically, in the area of modesty, I found several passages that began to challenge my thinking.

1 Peter 3:3-4 – “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

1 Timothy 2:9-10 – “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” (Note: in the original greek, the word used for modesty here means “with awe or reverence”)

1 Corinthians 10:31 – “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the Glory of God.”

I searched and scoured the Bible for the rules I had learned were right. Sleeve length. The proper fit for a modest skirt. The acceptable height for a high heel. And wouldn’t you know it…there are none! Nowhere in God’s word does He give rules for how anyone should dress, other than with modesty /awe and reverence, and that their primary adorning should come primarily from within, as they overflow with a gentle and quiet spirit.

My thoughts around modesty began to form in earnest shortly after I got married in 2020. On our honeymoon, my husband and I stayed near a river in the Appalachians, and wanted to go swimming on the hot summer day. As was my usual, I donned my one-piece and put a pair of baggy shorts on over it, then a lengthy cover-up over that. I emerged looking nearly like an amish person. (no shade at amish people). When my husband asked why I was wearing shorts, I replied “Well, just because that’s what I do.”. I realized in that moment, that I didn’t really have any problem wearing my one piece by itself. It had wide straps, a neckline that didn’t show more than I was willing to show, and wrapped very securely around my rear end.

Little did I know this would start a conversation between us. My husband asked me if I thought anything was immodest about my swimsuit, to which I said no. Then again he asked, “So why wear the shorts?”

I was left with the truth I didn’t want to admit to myself. Because I was “supposed to”. When it became clear that I didn’t have any real reasons of my own, my sweet groom gave me his opinion and encouraged me to look at what I really thought and dress accordingly. We talked a bit more, and sufficed to say, the shorts weren’t worn again on that trip, or much since.

But this raised a question in my mind. If I was modest with the shorts, and believed I was modest with the shorts removed…what was modesty? Could two things that were objectively different both be modest? Did I believe a full length Mennonite dress and bonnet were modest? Yes. Was the Jewish lady at the store in a calf-length skirt and hoodie modest? Yes. Was I modest in my sweatpants and t-shirt? Also yes. Were shorts and a tank top modest? Yep!

So what was modesty??

This, beloved, is when I re-discovered Romans 14. While I had first discovered this back before I was married, and it was illuminating to me then as it pertained to the dietary law (more on that in another blog post), I rediscovered it as a basic template for living according to conviction vs legalism. Here is a brief snippet of Romans Chapter 14.

“I am convinced and fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. 15If your brother is distressed by what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother, for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good, then, to be spoken of as evil. 17For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.”

I began to see and be convicted that while, yes, there is objective truth, there is also much freedom and room for personal conviction in the area of modesty. Some people will come for me on this, but I firmly believe that modest is also cultural. For instance, in biblical times, modesty was full length baggy robes, hair covered in a way similar to a hijab, and not much jewelry. If you wore jewelry or braided hair much at all, you began to look like a prostitute. Having your hair uncovered was (and still is in some cultures) considered a statement that “you’re available and looking for some man-flesh!”

So what was considered “modest” in the bible doesn’t even fit with how most christians view modesty. Showing your ankles, by biblical standards, would be highly immodest today! So you have to agree that, if you’re holding your outfit choices up to the bible, you likely aren’t following the biblical times’ modesty standards either.

Now, this is specifically for the girls. I have gained a new respect for modesty and purity since being married. Specifically, for the areas of my body that I am able to joyfully say only my husband has seen and experienced. There is something very sweet and precious about being able to say “Only you get this part of me, no other.” And that is something that I dearly treasure about our marriage.

Modesty is a somewhat complex issue because, yes, you are not responsible for anyone else’s sin, but you are responsible for conducting yourself in a way that glorifies God, and honors the vessel He gave you to inhabit.

Modesty will likely look different for you than it does for me. In fact, I hope that it does! God didn’t create us to be identical robots, so I believe all of us should look different. So pray, ask the Lord for guidance, and trust Him to bring conviction to you. But above all, don’t make rules. Don’t put God’s work in you inside a box, or act in a stricter way than He moves you to “just to be safe.” To do that would be to liken yourself to the Pharisees, who put more value on “getting it right” than actually following God and asking for His guidance with every step and decision.

He who is mighty has done a great thing!

-M