Close to the end of 2021, I had a lot of thoughts swirling around in this brain of mine.

Thoughts about taking action vs dwelling. Thoughts about wanting to fix everything around me vs. stepping back and putting my need to take action into praying. I was constantly struggling with the desire to bring issues up and “fix” them with CJ, and the quieter, but consistent, thought that it’s not my job to fix anyone. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, bring my requests before God.

Flash forward to 2022 and those thoughts have finally seemed to take shape and find rest. I started the year off in my journal, talking out with God what it looks like for me as a wife to support my husband in righteousness without becoming a nag or trying to lead him.

I began my search in 1 Peter 3:1-5. “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respect and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.“

In the contemplative stillness after I read that passage, the gentle thought pricked at my conscience:

“But what are you doing to be the best you can be?”

The part that stuck with me was “...they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” It brings to mind what I – and I’m sure we all – have been told growing up “Don’t talk the talk, but walk the walk.” Never anywhere in the bible does it say “Yo wives, nag your husband 24/7 about the things he does that annoy you so he can change and be more holy.” But what it does say for both husbands and wives is to submit to each other in love.

Submit – 1. To let down, to cause to sink or lower. 2. To yield, resign or surrender to the power, will or authority of another; with reciprocal pronoun. 3. To refer; to leave or commit to the discretion of judgement of another.

Personally, I find all three of those definitions fascinating. I think the first one obviously refers to a physical act of letting an object down, but it also incites to me images of stepping back so as to allow someone else to shine brighter, and possibly even to lay down/let down our own expectations. I really like how in definition 3, there is a heavy note of trust weaved throughout; “to leave or commit to the discretion of judgement of another.” You can’t commit to anything without trust! So in a way, you could almost sub out “commit” with “trust” in that definition.

Next, I landed in the place all women land when researching wifehood: Proverbs 31! I read through the whole chapter, and wrote down all the attributes of an “Excellent Wife” as laid out in the chapter, taking some abbreviation license.

• The heart of her husband trusts her
• She does him good and not harm
• She works with willing hands
• She rises early and provides for her household
• She is ambitious (this woman literally buys fields and plants crops and is hustling!)
• She is physically strong
• She is charitable
• Her husband is known among the elders because of her faithfulness
• She laughs without fear at the future
• She speaks wisdom and kindness
• She is not idle
• She fears the Lord.

I don’t know about you, but when I compare myself to that list I can definitely see areas in which I fall short. Specifically being idle and being physically strong and laughing without fear at the future. I am definitely guilty of allowing myself to be idle, and allowing anxiety or anxious thoughts about the future to steal my joy. As i began to compare myself to the metric of this amazing biblical woman, my heart was tempted to be discouraged. But God, who is so faithful, guided my to a truckload of scriptures that uplifted and gave my thoughts direction.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13 – This is not an impossible task!

“The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good concience and a sincere faith.” – Timothy 1:5 The goal isn’t perfect “wifely acts”, but loving care and action.

“You, God, are my God. Earnestly I seek You; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and glory. Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands.” -Psalm 63:1-4 – None of this can be done apart from God, and the life be brings through His word and Holy Spirit.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving on another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32 Forgive and be kind…we are none of us perfect, yet God forgives all of us equally, so who am I to hold any grudge?

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” – Colosians 3:15 – What he said.

God is so faithful to provide conviction in the areas we need to change, and provide a way for us to do it!

Since the hours spent in study of this subject and prayerfully pursuing God’s will for how best to be a support and a uplifter of my husband, He has given me such peace in the conclusion that my job is to constantly and earnestly lift Chris up in prayer and in love. That’s it, so simple! Oh how we can complicate things!

I have never not been madly in love with my man, but since making the intentional efforts to view him through a lense of thankfullness and love, I cannot even describe the beautiful shift in how I see him. God has been at work in the transformation of my mind… and gave me a beautiful analogy about this. Often, I’ve heard christians describe this life as a battle, and just something we have to struggle through until Christ calls us home. As I pondered what my reaction toward sin/mistakes/annoyances within our marriage should look like, this image came to mind.

We are all soldiers, walking home from a battle already won by our great Father. Behind us, the enemy’s puny last regimen follows, shooting their flaming darts at our backs, trying to keep even one of us from reaching home. I walk with those in my group, all of us supporting each other as we bear our burdens. Occasionally, one of us let down our guard, a dart finds home and myself or a brother or sister stumbles. Do I point out that the dart found them? Do they leave me in the dirt? No! We, through the power of the Holy Spirit are to pick one another up, dust off the dirt, and push forward, knowing the enemy’s strategy and watching for the attack to return so as not to fall again. Knowing our great Father has already paid for these wounds on the cross and will not hold them against us if we faithfully continue to walk toward home, and use the armor He has given us.

So this brings me to my conclusion: Love aught to cover every hurt, every sin, every annoyance or mistake. We, as wives, are to prayerfully and in our actions support the men in our lives, and support them through the times when they stumble just as they do for us. We are to dwell in the peace of a quiet and gentle spirit, and faith that He is leading us both toward Home.

-M