My past fear reared it’s head a few weeks ago, and it was rough. For years as a child, teen and, if I’m honest, into the present, I struggle with fear in one main area.

My Salvation.

I can trace these fears directly back to watching some traumatizing movies, hearing messages I wasn’t meant to hear about being turned away from heaven, and being scared to death of hell before hearing the gospel.

As a nine year old, I saw two of the “Left Behind” movies in a row on the same day. If you aren’t familiar with these movies, they are based off a book, in which the author writes a drama based off his understanding of what the end times would look like, specifically the rapture. In the movies, Believers are suddenly whisked away, disappearing in the blink of an eye, and the world is left in chaos. Planes crash as the Christian pilots are beamed up to heaven, highways pile up, parents can’t find their children, and the word descends into just a complete mess. At the end of seeing these movies, I was literally shaking in fear. I was sure I’d be laughed at if I told anyone how afraid I was of what I saw, (a childish belief that I know now that isn’t true).  Nevertheless, I walked with measured steps to my room, shut the door, then collapsed on my bed and sobbed. Somewhere in the sobs and groans came a garbled sinner’s prayer and a lot of begging the Lord not to leave me behind. For years after this, even into my twenties, I would randomly remember the movies or hear about the rapture in conversation. My heart rate would (and still does) instantly spike, and at the earliest opportunity I would slip away to pray the sinner’s prayer again, “just to make sure”.

Pre-seeing the movies, and on through my early teen years, I frequently heard about “The Judgement Day”. The day when all of humanity is judged by the Lord. I remember to this day the verse and one such message that was extrapolated from it almost verbatim.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’  And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ – Matthew 7:21-23

The message was something like this. “This is what will happen after the rapture. Each one of us will stand before God, but not all of us will get to stay there. When that happens, you better hope you’ve done good enough and had enough faith, otherwise it will be too late and you’ll get sent to hell. It will be too late to change then.”

Thus began my fear and expectation that God would randomly decide I hadn’t made the cut. That He didn’t really want me to get to heaven and was looking for any excuse to cast me out. That I could potentially live my whole life thinking I was safe, only to be let down and be sent to hell anyway. For a good chunk of my teenage years, though I never admitted it to anyone or wrote it down in my journal, I alternated between wanting to cling to the Lord, and thinking “Screw it, If I can’t be sure being holy will save me, I might as well just have fun not believe in God.” For a while, I did live this way, though it didn’t manifest in any catastrophic way. (Thank the Lord)

So where does this affect me now? Great question, lets talk about it. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with some sin. I was left feeling guilty, and those old feelings of deadly failure crept in. In an engagement-free evening, I opened up to my husband, gushing out all the ugly-ness that were my thoughts.

Do I even believe in God? Or do I just not want to go to Hell? If I just don’t want to go to Hell, I must not really love God well enough and probably am not “really” saved.

I’m just sure there is no reason God would want me. I still hear the voices saying I’m an evil child and not worth anyone’s love. And I’m starting to believe them.

There was more, and it was messy.

But y’all. I need to take a moment to brag on my husband, because that man came through. He spoke prayer over me, truth and scripture intermingling into a sweet symphony of comfort. He reminded me that the Enemy knows my past, because he was the one who had a big hand in causing a lot of it. He knows the trauma I experienced, how it scarred me, and so he knows exactly which buttons to push to make me feel like a scared child again. He reminded me of and read to me several scriptures which I want to share with you.

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,” – Romans 3:23-24

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” – Romans 8:1

“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” – 1 John 3:20

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”” – Romans 10:13

He also reminded me to look at my tattoo. On my left forearm I have a white tattoo of the word “Tetelestai”. This is the word that was written in the bible to communicate what Jesus’ last words on the cross were. It is finished. Paid in full. Done. (For more on this, read my last post “On Condemnation”).

I have nothing left to pay.

I wish I could say that I really get it this time. I think I do, but I think that every time. Yet, still the doubts eventually come back and I have a meltdown before the Lord comes alongside and puts me back on the solid rock that is His immovable love toward me. But what is different this time, is that I have an understanding that the Lord and I are in this cycle together, and He is patient with me in it. He is patience. He won’t get tired of me being scared and decide to let my fears come true. He won’t get annoyed that I bring my fears to Him again and again. Each time, He is just waiting for me to talk to Him, and delights to remind me of His truth and put my fears to rest.

And that is also true for you.

The Lord desires closeness with you. He desires your good. He earnestly desires your joy and fulfillment in Him. You are not broken for doubting your salvation, and He does not judge you for it. Neither does He desire that your fears become truth.

So friend, If you struggle with fears like mine, or any kind of fear in the faith realm…don’t keep it to yourself. The enemy likes to “divide and conquer”, keeping us all in our bubbles of shame, thinking that because we struggle “X”, we aren’t good enough. This is so untrue. Bring your fears to your spouse, good friend, mentor or pastor; someone who will speak truth into your fears and remind you of the Lord’s immovable promises. Do not let the darkness you are struggling in stay dark, but instead bring it to the light and allow the truth of the Lord to do it’s work.

Hugs,

-M