Most of my  life, I have struggled with the constant and unbearable feelings of condemnation and guilt. From the earliest memories I have, I remember feeling constantly wretched, less-than, completely sin filled, and like I was a culmination of all the worst parts of humanity it was possible to have. 

Every sin or misstep left me feeling like I had just yet again disappointed God. Each sin was forgiven, but each time I repented was wearing down the Lord a little more, and before too long, He would decide to stop forgiving me and leave me in the muck. Because according to my behavior, that’s clearly where I wanted to be, right? 

I pictured Christ at the end of a hallway, arms crossed, tapping his foot, and waiting to see if I’d ever get my act together and get to the end where he was waiting for me to catch up. I stumbled, walked away from Him, bumping back and forth between habits and false beliefs, just trying to fumble in a direction that didn’t cause pain. All the while, having a constant sense that I was running out of time. Running out of time to figure it out and get it right. Running out of time to be saved. To be forgiven. 

At a young age, I saw one of the “Left Behind” movies. In these movies, the rapture is depicted, as some christians believe it will happen. All the believers disappear from the earth in the blink of an eye, and only non-believers are left behind. Families are ripped apart as parents disappear, cities collapse and highways block as drivers disappear from their moving cars and planes crash from the sky. I ran into my room at the end of the movie, pleading with God that I would be good enough to not be left. Pleading with Him not to leave me behind. 

At age 15, I made a choice for Christ and was baptized. To be honest, I didn’t really understand the gospel, or what I was doing at that point, but It seemed like the thing I was supposed to do, so I did it. There was a brief period of bliss where I felt alive and encouraged, but then the old fears crept back in, and haunted me into adulthood. I heard frequent “sermons” growing up, talking about the day of judgement when God would say to some people who presented as believers “depart from me, I never knew you”, and how you’d better hope you weren’t part of that group. I had a sense, a horrible, debilitating fear, that I would move through life thinking I was safe, only to be cast into hell at the very end. Like I wouldn’t know for sure if I was saved until that day came, and it would be up to God where I went. 

At the age of 21 I got married to the most Godly, kind, and encouraging man I have ever met, and we officially became part of an actual church. For the first time in my life, I began to hear the hope of the gospel, and began to hear how much Christ loves me. I began to see that I could have assurance of my salvation, and that it wasn’t something that might get pulled out from under me later. It wasn’t something that relied on me living a perfect life, or looking like everyone else. The truth and the gospel wasn’t something that God had hidden away only for those who wanted to put in the work to dig it out. I began to realize how much He wants all to come to knowledge of Him, and isn’t hiding away as a scavenger hunt, or only for the secret club of the most committed believers. 

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” – Matthew 28:19

“So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,  for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” – Galatians 3:26-29

“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice,” – Isaiah 42:3

These are some verses that began to touch my heart, and stir up the thoughts that, maybe Christ wasn’t eternally fed up with me. Maybe I wasn’t so irreparably broken as to be the one person who was beyond forgiveness. But the doubts were still stronger than the faith, and even though my mind began to know the truth, my heart and emotions still could not believe it. I could not believe or move past the habits of a lifetime, the pathways worn in my mind that told me sin equaled condemnation and a spiritual reset. Whenever sin happened it must undo all the good done until that point and put me back at square one with the Lord. Rest my debt to the maxed out, bolded red, shamefully un-payoff-able ammount it was before.  

I attended church, did bible study, and talked with my christian friends. I found encouragement and “sharpening” in the fellowship, but all the while moved through with a sense of fakeness. Like I was doing all the right things, but my recurring sins proved I wasn’t good enough, I would never be good enough, and all the goodness in the world couldn’t cover my sin. I was a faker, and headed toward hell just as much as the next person. 

So, on Resurrection Sunday in 2021 when I walked into church for the morning sermon, I didn’t expect it to be any different. I would sing, feel moved and emotionally connecting to all my brothers and sisters in the service, convicted by the sermon, but still the same broken person. 

But God met me in church that day, through the words spoken by our pastor. He met me with one word, a simple one really, but one that has changed my life. One that cut me to my very core, and reached the most broken part of me that needed healing. 

 “When he had received the drink, Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” -Matthew 19:30

I have heard that scripture a million times. Heard how Christ died for my sins. But then our pastor began to preach on a single word. 

Tetelestai. This is the original greek word used to communicate the words “It is finished”. As he began to enumerate the meanings of this word, tears began to fill my eyes, as each utterance felt like waves of love from the Lord washing over me. 

1)To bring to an end, Complete, or Fulfill. 2)Carried. 3)Finished 4)Paid in full. 5)Concluded. (Source: Biblehub.com, interlinear tool, word no. 5055)

Our pastor is faithful to include the simplicity of the gospel in each sermon, and the words he started to say next I had probably heard close to a hundred times at that point. But as he spoke the poetically written phrase, each line rang new life into deep parts of my soul. 

“Christ lived the life you couldn’t live, and died your death on the cross. He paid in full for all your sins, wiping out the debt you should owe to God. Beloved, there is nothing left for you to pay!” – Pastor Bob Johnson, Cornerstone Baptist Church. 

But the story doesn’t end there. I didn’t go home later that day with a spring in my step, never questioning the love my Father has for me again. I did feel lighter, and like a piece I hadn’t known was missing had fallen into place in my heart. But once the emotional high had worn off, I was left with the same doubts trying to creep their way back in. 

So I began a search. A search for my Lord’s heart for me in His word. 

“For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by His grace as a gift, through the redemption of Jesus Christ, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he has passed over former sins.” 

Romans 3:22b-25

The underlined portion of this passage really gets me. It doesn’t say “all sinned, but God found a way to forgive them yet again, but a little more begrudgingly this time. No, all have sinned, and all who believe in Christ as their savior are now justified and not condemned for our sin. 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

Psalm 139:13-16

God knew all my days, all my highs and lows, all my sins and triumphs, before a single one of them ever happened. And He still chose to forgive me for them. So, what kind of God would be to, knowing all I would do, forgive me for it, but yet still judge me for doing what He knew I would do all along? This piece, which I only really found this past year, has been the one that has made this truth sink in a bit deeper. 

I am finally realizing (yes, it’s still an ongoing process), that God is not like the earthly examples of forgiveness I’ve seen. Even though my sin offends His holiness, now that I have believed in Christ, and seek everyday to follow Him better, when I repent and ask for His help, He nods, sets me back on my feet and invites me to keep following Him. His grace is a trampoline that bounces me right back to where I was before I fell, and doesn’t judge me for failure. 

Let me leave you with these few passages to ponder. 

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of Life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Romans 8:1-2

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

1 Peter 5:10

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” 

Romans 8:26-28 

“Even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. IN love He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will,”

Ephesians 1:4-5

“The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” 

Psalm 37:23-24

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right had of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:8:33-35a, 37-39

As always, I love to hear your thoughts and feedback, 

-M